God was hanging around one day, feeling all lonely an’ shit.

God said, "Let there be light!"

And there was light.

God saw that the light was good, and so he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "Day," and the darkness he called, "Night." In between he created ‘morning commute” and ‘rush hour.” Also, he kept the words “darkness and light” because he had a closet that was always dark, even in the day, and he was pissed that no matter how hard he tried, that fakkin closet was dark as shit and he couldn’t find his second mitten on cold days.

And then, for the first time ever, there was evening, and there was morning. The first day in all the world had come to an end, and a new day was ready to begin. God created ‘happy hour,’ and wanted a shiner bock for less than 4 bucks, but he hadn’t created yeast yet, so he smoked a zoomer instead.

On the morning of the second day, God made the earth. He put the blue sky above it, and the deep blue seas below. At first, the earth was completely covered with water. There wasn't any dry ground anywhere.

"Shit," said God.

And there was evening and there was morning. The second day was over, and a new day was ready to begin. God had to deal with a big, wet illuminated ball, by the end of the week, and it was already Tuesday.

Morning came on the third day, and God made dry land appear. God called the dry ground "Earth" and the water he called "Sea."

God looked at all that he had made, and he saw that it was good. God was a shameless self-promoter, in spite of the fact that all he had done in 3 fucking days was to turn the light on, and make mud. (God would later give this profound ability to 18 month old humans).

It was all very good. (Give us a break, God).

Then God said, "Let there be plants on the earth, and all the things that grow!" And all the different kinds of plants and trees began to grow; apple trees and banana trees, grass and dandelions and roses, wheat to make bread, and corn. God decided later to subcontract the whole flora/fauna thing to a qualified biologist, cuz he couldn’t figure out what the hell to do with some of gross shit he thought up, like slime-mold.

And God looked at all that he had made, and he saw that it was good, and Jesus Harold Christ the Continuum was getting just bit ticked with the self-congratulatory nature of this supreme being.

There was evening and there was morning. The third day had come and gone, and a new day was waiting to begin. God went to Starbucks for a latte, and went ballistic over the price.

On the fourth day God said, "Let the great lights appear in the sky!" And just by his word, God made the sun and the moon and the stars. He made them out of nothing at all! God looked at his utility bill later, and sent a profane letter to: Satan, CEO, Universal Power & Light company.

And God looked at all that he had made, and he saw that it was good. Wet, mucky, expensive and grandiose (kinda like WWF), but good.

There was evening and there was morning. That was the fourth day. Still no hops.

On the morning of the fifth day God said, "Let there be swimming things in the oceans and lakes, and birds in the air!" And the oceans were filled with sharks and dolphins and whales. And in the sky there were robins and eagles, blue jays, cardinals and finches. “I gotta lay off the hemp”, God said, after creating sea horses and vampire bats and turkey-buzzards.

And God looked at all that he had made, and it was … well, you know.

There was evening and there was morning, now the fifth day had come and gone. God had created deadline pressure.

Then God said, "Let there be animals upon the earth!”, and a warthog appeared, and a lion, to eviscerate and devour the ugly pig. Meanwhile, with God distracted by this shocking scene, he'd forgotten he'd left the animal maker turned on. “Sheeee-itcakes!” said God, after watching a 150 pound water-rat waddle off toward the sea. God shuddered.

And God looked upon this and saw that it was, well, kinda bizarre really, but not half assed bad for his first attempt universe generaton.

Then God said, "Let us make people in our own image." [God said, "us" because God the Father was there, and so was Jesus, and so was the Holy Spirit -- but still he was just one God. It’s unclear just exactly when these other two dudes arrived, or exactly what value they brought to the Heaven and Earth project (HEP). And this Holy Spirit guy (who used to be a Holy Ghost but apparently that moniker was scaring the PISS out of Sunday school kids so it got changed) really doesn’t have a speaking role, and really never accounts for jack-shit to present day. –ed]

So God looked at all that he had made, and he saw that it was tracking 85% to plan, 23% over budget, but still on stream for the next milestone where the final go/no go decision would be made. God vetted his numbers with the HEP committee, with Jebus agreeing to support God at the presentation, but the Spirit wouldn’t commit one way or another until after the next day.

And there was evening, and there was morning, and that was the sixth day. The spirit got on board, so God was hoping for some real synergy and thinking outside of the box.

On the morning of the seventh day God saw that the whole universe and everything in it was finished. Nothing else needed to be made. And it was all very good, although scope-creep caused God to leave a few minor items undone: IE Jebus wanted some boundaries on the universe, but God had depleted the OT buckets with yesterday’s human-making, so boundaries were shit-canned. Also, the Holy Spirit wanted the speed of light bumped up to infinity, so no one would have to ‘square’ it to calculate relativity (E=MC). God was against it, because he figured the first nuclear fission test would pretty much wipe out all of the work he’d just done.

And so God rested on the seventh day. He celebrated all the good work he had done. God blessed the seventh day and made it holy. God found a tan leisure suit that didn’t fit right in his closet, put it on, and sat on a hard bench for a few hours and listened to a long, boring recap of the HEP project.

Later, God was kicking back, having a few brewskis on that warm Sunday afternoon, when He was struck with His most brilliant inspiration ever….

Next: A hot, naked, not-too-bright chick romps in paradise!

And God spake unto Adam, but Adam wasn’t listening. In fact, Adam was busy dissecting a large, unripe pumpkin, trying to figure out what it was good for. Earlier, he had eaten some, and thus invented ‘vomit.’ But Adam was nothing if not persistent, and he knew that God must have put gourds on the planet for a reason.

“Yo, Adam! I’m spakin’ to you!” said God. “When I spake, you listen.”

Adam quickly hid his science project, and jumped up. “What is it, Lord?”

“Get your nekkid, honky ass over here to this beam of heavenly light where I can see you. We gotta have a chat.”

So Adam went to the light, and looked up.

“Jesus man, you look pathetic,” said God. “What have you been doing? Have you eaten recently?”

Adam glanced back at his pumpkin, and decided to not to tell God about it. “I had a mantis yesterday,” he said defensively.

“A MANTIS?” God roared. “Why the fuck would you eat a bug?”

“You said it was OK,” Adam whispered, “and you said it would be good. It wasn’t.”

“I said Mango, shitforbrains.” (God paused while he parsed the list of Adam's actual brain ingredients, and decided He was getting too close too home on His putdowns.) “Anyway, just go pick something off a tree and eat it. But not THAT tree.”

“I know, I know,” said Adam “we already spake about THAT tree. Look God, I’m kinda busy sorting out this garden of earthly delights, and I’m hungry, so would you, um, unless we’re doing a luncheon meeting, get to the point?”

Not known for his patience, God took a deep breath and counted to ten while he twirled a lightning bolt in his left hand. He opted against it, but secretly imposed middle-age erectile dysfunction in the male human species.

“Alright,” God said, and after a long pause He said “Look Adam, I think you need a companion. Someone to look after, and who can look after you. Someone you can share your life with. Whaddya think?”

“Another mouth to feed? Down here? Man, why don’t you just send plagues and pestilence while you’re at it?” Adam continued his rant for several seconds, until he felt a hot, itchy hemorrhoid developing. “Oh sure, that’s just great!” shrieked Adam, dancing around and scratching his ass. “Any time I disagree, you start doing the ‘almighty’ thing. The last time we had words, you put hair inside my nose, now this. Shit.”

God quickly invented endorphins, and thus Adam slowly began to calm down.

God spake. “OK, but you should listen. This is a good offer. I wanna make a WOMAN to keep you company. She’s gonna look a lot like you, but with a few significant differences. I’m still working on the details.”

Adam was suspicious. “How different, and why would she need to be different?”

“Trust me on this. It’s actually a pretty good design. I used a few different parts, and changed some of the chemistry. You’ll like it, um, her,” God said.

“I know better than to argue with you”, said Adam, picking his nose and casually flicking the snot at a bunny rabbit. “When is this great event taking place?”

“Soon,” replied God “but first I want to clear a few things up. I’m worried about some thoughts you’ve been having about that goat in the paddock. And I’m worried about what you’re doing behind the big elm tree 3 times a day. You gotta stop that after I send the woman.”

Adam blushed, looked down, and half-hearted kicked at a small rock for a while.

“And, this woman,” God continued, “she’s going to cost you.”

“Whatever,” said Adam resignedly, shaking his head but still looking at the ground.

And with that, God thrust his hand into Adams chest and pulled out his still-beating heart!

“Oops,” God said, and he replaced the organ. Then, with a horrible ripping, wrenching sound, God pulled out a bloody, 18 inch rib, and retreated into the heavens.

[So a bunch of shit happens, and Eve comes to earth, and Adam and Eve meet each other, and Adam wonders why Eve doesn’t have a pecker, and they explore boobs and boners and stuff, which you think would make for hilarious copy, but it really didn’t and it bored me after three pages, so I shit-canned it. And, the exchange between Eve and the snake might have been cool, and maybe I’ll write a pre-quel, but it didn’t inspire me either. So here we are, post-snake. Sue me. No wait -- sue Yikes, she’s the copyright holder –ed]

God spake gently. “Eve, where’s Adam?”

Startled, Eve looked up. “Who wants to know?”

God sighed. “Just the creator of the FAKKING UNIVERSE, young lady. Good enough for ya?”

“Oh, you – of course”, said Eve. “He’s… busy.”

“Busy”, said the Creator of the Universe thoughtfully. “Would you mind making him, and yourself, ‘unbusy’, so that I might not turn you into shitstains on camel’s ass during fly season?”

“Why, yes of course. I’ll fetch him,” said Eve, obligingly.

“By the way, just exactly what is Adam doing?” God asked in earnest. “I checked the Elm tree, there’s no Adam, and the green pumpkins have no teeth marks. ‘sup?”

“He’s gardening,” said Eve proudly. “We’re planting spinach.”

God magically made a cloud with an open mouthed, human-like face, shoving a finger down it’s throat. “Oh, gag me with quasar”, God scoffed. “Someday, after cloven-hoofed animals, I’m gonna make spinach verboten to humankind. Then, it’s bean sprouts. After that, I’m going to crucify the fucker who invents pickled cabbage. Then… HEY! what the fuck do you have on your waist?”

Eve looked down, and subconciously smoothed her fig-leaf gown. “I call a skirt,” she said impishly. “Like it?”

Somewhere, in another galaxy, 14 suns exploded simultaneously. Here on earth, a phenomenon known as ‘ol faithful’ was born. And, God genetically implanted the notion in humans that t-shirts need little rough tags on the back neckline, sewn on with 12-guage plastic thread, forevermore.

God seethed. “Why do you need a ‘dress’?”

“Well, for one thing, every time I bend down to look at a plant, I get rifled by Adam. It’s getting tiring. For another, I’m… Naked” Eve said, looking away, blushing.

“NAKED”, God repeated, several times. “Eve, is there any chance you ate of the forbidden tree?”

“Define ‘ate’. Define ‘tree’. And what is your definition of ‘of’?” Eve said presidentially.

God had heard enough. “Get Adam’s ass over here NOW.”

Soon enough, Adam showed up, wearing an oak-leaf thong.

God laughed, in spite of himself. “How you enjoying the threads, shit-head?” God taunted.

“Well,” said Adam, “I find the whole ‘modesty’ thing to be highly inconvenient, and downright uncomfortable. Truth be known it chafes me, and my hemmoroids don’t like these leaves I’m wiping with, handy though they are. How things with you, Lord?”

“I’m righteously ticked,” said God. “I go away for awhile, next thing I know you’re tilling spinach dressed like a Greco-Roman ship-wife. Eve’s sporting a tacky skirt that one of my plants had to die to create. I think I’ll have an explanation in record time,” God continued, “because a giant, fresh-shaved Jalapeno is headed straight for your ass.”

Eve hesitated, but Adam knew better. “Thesnakesaiditwasoksoweatethefuckingapples, and evedidit evedidit evedidit andohi’msosorry” Adam sniveled, rolling on ground, protecting his hiney with both hands.

Eve shook her head at the pathetic sight, and turned her back. For split second, God was almost on her side, but his gasket was totally blown.

“Ye hast visited an abomination upon Eden,” God roared. “Ye wilst be cast out to wander the earth, and this place will be forsaken unto ye. And the serpent is hereby forever condemned to crawl upon its belly. Thou ate of the forbidden tree, and yours forever shall be a lifetime of toil and burden.” God paused. “Now, I gotta plan for a big flood about 2000 years from now, so fuck off, this ain’t Disneyworld. Move out.”

And with that, the heavens were silent.

Eve looked at Adam, and was about say something when the heavenly light turned back on.

“Oh yah, one more thing.” God explained. “You each gotta pick twice from this-here jar of curses. Eviction ain’t enough.”

Adam and Eve each picked two pink slips, and the Heavens closed.

“What did you get?” Adam asked.

“Beats me”, answered Eve. “One slip says ‘period’, the other says ‘cellulite.’ How bad can that be? How about you?”

“’Prostate’ and ‘male pattern baldness,’ Adam read phoenetically. “Makes no sense at all.”

“Boy,” Eve continued. “God’s sure ticked at this ‘Ye’ guy, huh?”

“Sho ‘nuff”, said Adam, as he picked up his shit. “I bet his ass is gonna be itchy soon. Wanna screw?” he said hopefully.

And Eden folded quietly behind them as the origin of the human race strolled, blissfully ignorant, toward what would soon be know as Iraq.

More soon!