"Why are those Russians and Americans at the space station always giving me the finger?" said Chinese Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Yang Liwei. "One of them cut me off at 18,000 miles an hour. That's no way to drive a space ship"

http://www.rferl.org/nca/features/2003/10/15102003161335.asp

In a press conference today from Ottawa, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien downplayed the fears of Creuzfeldt-Jacob's disease spreading in his country's cattle industry.

"Look, folks, dis is a Canajun cow, and derefore it behaves according to our governing rules of conduct. Our cows are too polite to get mad, and our cows will never go to war witout da support of da UN," said Chretien.

"I personally met dis cow, and she was pissed about dis war in Iraq," Chretien explained. "You call dat mad? If dat's da case, den we got mad cows all over Canada, and Canada is da mad cow center of da world."

"Anyway, we killed dis cow, because we have a sovereign right to kill any cows witout input from da US. We checked wit da UN, and dey said it is OK for us to kill dis cow, or any other cow. Canada is a world leader in lawfully killing cows."

In the aftermath of a tornado which struck Midwest City, OK, Thursday, sources close to God say he's not thrilled with the stupid "Avalanche" convertible pickup truck.

"Holeeee," God is quoted as saying. "I almost zapped those assholes after the 'Monza' thing 20-some years ago, but Chrysler surprised me and actually made unholier products in the late 70's and early 80's, so I let GM off the hook. But fuck this, I've totally had it."

"This is the stupidest ride since the Volkswagen 'Thing', in which I punished VW by resurrecting 60 year-old WWII restitution claims," God continued. "But if you people think I gave you human brains in order to design this kind of jack-off, acid-induced engineering obscenity, then start boarding up the windows. I have spoken."

God reportedly wasn't quite done. "Oh yah, one more thing: The glove didn't fit 'cuz it was too fucking small to start with, not because he wasn't wearing it. You actually think Cochrane took a chance on that? What are y'all saving your brainpower for -- world peace?"

"Old Man of the Mountain" Makes Way for "Young Arm of the Mountain"

New Hampshire's famed Old Man of the Mountain granite rock profile has crumbled into history. The Great Stone Face that came to symbolize New Hampshire's "Live Free or Die" motto will live on, Gov. Craig Benson has vowed.

In related news, a new formation has magically appeared Saturday afternoon in the remote region of Blue John Canyon, Utah. The Little Squished Arm will be adopted by Utah and symbolize the new "Get Free or Die" motto that's expected to last until buzzard season, Gov. Mike O. Leavitt speculated.

Reports from the Greater Toronto Health Authority today revealed that Harold Grimes, 29, of Etobicoke, the latest victim of the SARS epidemic, has in fact contracted the West Nile virus as well.

"I'm thinking of taking a few days off", said Sub-a-dub-dub employee Grimes, as he carefully placed tomatoes and onions on a customer's foot-long sandwich. "I don't feel that bad, but all this media hype about Toronto being a hotbed for infection has put a lot of attention on me. Management here at the sub shop have been great, they've let me run the shop single-handedly for a whole month – they only talk to me by phone. And now I repay their trust by staying home? I feel terrible about this."

"I can't imagine not reporting for work here on concourse B at Pearson International," continued Grimes. "Those bastards at WHO haven't got a clue about how many lives they're affecting when they issue these unfounded travel warnings."

French authorities today announced their intention to "seek terms" from the Italian government in the wake of an impending crash of an Italian satellite on European soil.

"We will offer only our government, our treasury, our pride and our women and children to the aggressive Italian forces", announced Gaetan Mitterbois, the French Secretary and Chief Stenographer of National Defense. "We will not be cowed into surrendering further rights and freedoms at any cost."

The Italian government has been quoted as rejecting any such offers, but said it will seek full damages from France for "interfering with the lawful flight of an orbiting structure" should the country of France "impede the trajectory of an Italian orbiter."